Rush & Beauty
“Faith is not a once-done act, but a continuous gaze of the heart at the Triune God.”
—A.W. Tozer in The Pursuit of God
Our summer is down to only a few remaining weeks and I feel as though there were very few times that had the summertime feeling. It has been a rush of activity from the time school got out with a family trip to Idaho for my first marathon race which was also mid-baseball season. When baseball was over we started thinking about the fair time and all that entails. There was a basketball camp, a family camping trip to test out the new camper and a birthday party, and 4th of July family fun with a nasty summer thunderstorm thrown in. Another weekend of running also began our family's first journey with a broken bone and a few more races sprinkled in, too. Now here were are, a little over three weeks in a cast, finishing our first fair week which signals the end of summer.
This summer has been full of firsts for our family. I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of working "in town" and the adjustment of not being home during the summer has been a huge learning curve for all of us. What chores do you expect a 9 and 7-year-old to get done? How much time do we trust them to be at home by themselves? Our first season of travel baseball, the first time kayaking & paddle boarding for the big boys, the first broken bone, and our first full week of the Central MT fair with an animal.
My second year running in the Diamond City Mountain Relay (ten teammates, 215 miles in three days = fun. . .right?!) Started out well enough with a great day hanging out with some amazing women and ending with a yummy dinner and soaking my feet in the warm springs. The only hiccup was the call from my husband while waiting for dinner; “I broke Dexter’s finger.” I remember walking out the door of the restaurant, asking “What” and then as he explained what happened my stomach just dropped. While getting out of a tractor, Dexter’s fingers were still on the door jam when Evan shut the door. If you don’t know much about tractors, one thing to note is that the doors are thin and narrow and heavy. I am over two hours away getting this phone call and my sweet husband says, “It’s broken and we’ll take him to town, but I wanted you to know. Don’t worry everything will be fine, there’s nothing you need to do, but I wanted you to know.” He is a wonderful man and I found myself praying for him just as much as for our sweet boy who was in pain. Evan’s pain may not have been visible or physical, but I knew it was extremely hard for his daddy’s heart. I’m so grateful for our support system praying for us through this and now offering comfort in the form of reminders that it happens plenty of times to others and the wonderful orthopedic doctors who took action right away when they saw the need for surgery - despite my extreme discomfort hearing the details of said surgery, I will be forever grateful that they took such good care of Dexter.
Fast forward two and a half weeks to the biggest and busiest time of the summer. I grew up always looking forward to the county fair, not for the projects that took us there - in hindsight, I am very glad to have the experience of being a 4H member - but at the time, the fair was more of a social endeavor. Attending the fair as a parent was a much different experience and another big lesson was learned as we grasped to understand the ins and outs of helping our boy learn how to show his pig while letting him enjoy the experience as well. He did amazing. His first class was a little rough as he struggled with nerves and a bit self-conscious from a mishap with the grill guard of the pickup. He was given a few tips and when it came to his showmanship class, he took those tips and earned a callback and a blue ribbon for showing his pig so well. To say I am proud of that boy is a huge understatement. The week ended with a great sale where local businesses showed up to support these 4H members who put months of work into the animals they raised and cared for. We were worried about EJ understanding the "endgame" of how market animals would be sold and eventually butchered. He was upset after waking up to the knowledge of his pig, Stafford, had been loaded up early in the morning. The night before, after enjoying the carnival, we had taken the route through the big barn to check on his pig one more time and he was given the chance to say goodbye. It is a bittersweet memory to think back on all of the time spent with an animal all the while knowing it is bound to be butchered; as we prepared EJ for this moment we reminded him that not only are there lessons to learn from the responsibility of taking care of an animal, but it is also the honor God granted us as humans to be His stewards of the land and animals He created. Those same animals and the same land He created were given as ways to nourish our bodies, which He also created. . .in His image. It is a hard lesson to learn as an 8-year-old boy and the amount of growing up that was done these past weeks was an amazing process to watch.
The thing that I have come to learn that matters more, is not that cherishing memories is the most important part, but more than that is accepting the grace of getting to look back and remember.
As I look back on these last few weeks and looking ahead to the start of a new school year (another set of firsts coming our way) I see so much beauty even though while I know when those moments were playing out I wouldn't have imagined there being any beauty at all. And I know everyone says "you'll miss these days" or "cherish the memories" - I can appreciate those sentiments, but in those moments it is hard to hear. And it is hard to look back and see the chances of beauty I could have grasped, but missed due to frustration or impatience. The thing that I have come to learn that matters more, is not that cherishing memories is the most important part, but more than that is accepting the grace of getting to look back and remember. If we let the guilt of having to rush around during those moments take too firm of a grasp then we don't allow ourselves the grace of looking back and pointing out the beautiful memories that were made. If we let the shame of impatience overcrowd our thoughts we won't give ourselves the chance to remember those few beautiful moments that occurred within the rush of life.
The quote from above was shared in a podcast and it hit me how amazing that we CAN continuously gaze at the heart of the Triune God - this is the perfect reminder that we get to REMEMBER. Even when our fears say we've done horrible and the shame feels like an extra weight on our shoulders we have access to God's Word to remind us of His promise to never leave us alone; His promise to love us no matter how much we've yelled; that His grace is endless and offers a chance to learn and grow. We get to turn our hearts again and again to the Creator of the universe because He cares. Because He loves.
