What am I missing?
If you were to read my prayer journals over the last few years, or more, you would see this question asked very often.
I’ve struggled with an unknown, unmet expectation that I don’t even know how came to be. And even though I know it’s been like a hovering cloud for a while, I think after this last year, I can somewhat put into words what it is I’m feeling.
As a millennial, I often get that “I’m not that old; I can remember High school” vibe. Then when I look at my life I tend to wonder how I got here. Not in any negative way, but the “I was JUST in high school, how the heck am I now responsible for adult things, including a middle school aged kid?!” feeling.
How does that happen? Have I been living a life I’ve wanted to? Did I ever really even know what I wanted it to look like?
And why, above all, does it matter now?
Maybe it’s a midlife thing, but as I’ve been wrestling with this “what am I missing” thought, I’ve come to realize it’s really more about my faith and this expectation that as 38, shouldn’t I feel more confident in my faith?
The youth group I was able to be a part of in middle/early high school was wonderful; and then our pastors moved to start a new church. Looking back now I feel like my later years of high school were a bit like “floating along” when it came to anything regarding faith. I still believed and we went to church, but I no longer had the close couple of friends who also believed and cared to do anything with that faith.
Then in college, I sort of sank even more - again nothing bad, but not having the support of my parents and motivation to stay connected I just didn’t. I never walked away from my faith and yet, I don’t remember doing much to keep it alive either.
My second year of college my best friend became my roommate. We found a church with an amazing young adults group that really relit a faith fire I hadn’t known was so dwindled. It was really invigorating “hanging out” with so many young adults that were actively working to make their faith a more important part of their lives. However, I think this is where the “what am I missing” question started. They all seemed so FULL of faith, so trusting of God…in my brain I knew they had their own battles they were fighting, but my heart and soul felt like I was so far behind where I “should” have been.
And then…motherhood. Talk about second guessing everything. My oldest son is thirteen this year and those thirteen years plus nine months have heard countless cries of “what am I missing?!”
This question has not only been applied to my faith, but quite literally every aspect of my life. I’ve had a dream in mind that I just can’t seem to get from a dream to reality and I question “am I missing that I’m NOT supposed to do this?” A child struggling to communicate well without a fight…”am I missing a bigger issue?” My health feeling like a roller coaster - “am I missing a stupid, simple change?”
…and the point is…
…God knows all of this.
I take that for granted. I stew in all of these “what am I missing” questions until I feel like I’m drowning. While God knows it all, nothing can change until I make the choice to express it to Him myself. Until I humble myself in the knowledge that I cannot do this on my own. Usually, by the time I write these words in my journal I’ve become overwhelmed and exhausted with the “I” issue. Once I make that choice to be humble, instead of “What am I missing? Brittany, you need to figure this out!” I choose to take it to Jesus, “What am I missing, Lord, that You need me to see and acknowledge?”
This short prayer works to reorient my focus and is the reminder that I don’t need to know all the answers. While I’ve not had any words from God nor any lightning bolt epiphanies, this was taken the expectation off of myself. It becomes the reminder that God is in control. All that I was ever missing is bringing it all to Jesus and humbly releasing control - again and again - knowing His plans are way better than any expectations I can ever imagine. The hope I have found in this simple prayer has given me a peace that truly feels like an anchor when everything around me feels out of control.
